The following is a brief guide for the casual or tourist user of the Washington Metro. Course Coarse (H/T to a loyal unidentified reader) language is employed in distinction to the usual practice of this blog, in order to get the point across.

1) If you are a tourist or a casual user, realize that the system is now in an overcapacity status and your efforts not to screw it up further through inept use are greatly appreciated. There is a reason in particular that the rush hour fares are higher than the non-rush hour fares; this is essentially a market response to market realities. Market realities should inform your decision to stay off the system to save money as a tourist, or in the alternative to pay a premium to stand extra close, cheek-to-cheek, to some absolutely gorgeous commuter like myself. In sum, if you board in rush hour, you will be paying local rates and will be judged as a local for every misstep you make.

2) The cars on the Metro are not ideally designed for rapid boarding and alighting. That means that you should do what you are told repeatedly over the loudspeaker to: MOVE YOURSELF AWAY from the doors. When you are a pedestrian, you do not linger in the crosswalk; you get where you are going promptly and avoid blocking pedestrian and vehicle traffic. When you ride the Metro, you should stand no closer than 6 feet from an open door. I have seen the breathtaking arrogance of locals who will walk inside the door, park ass at the opening and not let others on. These people should be arrested; its worse than riding the Metro naked and they arrest people for indecent exposure. Tourists probably don't deserve an arrest but a tongue lashing.

3) When you disembark, move promptly at least 10 feet from the doors of the train on the platform. You should be aware of your stop so that you may disembark immediately, not after half of Metro Center is trying to board the train through your door. Ideally, there would be one "exit only door" and one "entrance only door" on each train like on the buses but that's not what's available. Be smart; do not be a dumbass.

4) Knowing which side of the train will open doors at a station is helpful. Most, not all, of the above-ground stations exit on the left; the platform is between the trains. At Metro Center and Gallery Place, the Red Line exits on the RIGHT while at most other transfer stations, the trains exit on the left. If you know on which side the doors open, you may more easily avoid being a door-blocking asshole by accident. This is not a major issue but it does help.

5) If you hear the door chime, you have a duty not to attempt a boarding or alighting unless you are ALREADY at the door. Your failure to observe this rule will get your handbag, computer case, 7 bags from the airport that a sensible person doesn't really need, etc., caught in the doors. Then comes the "door dance" where people try to time their removal of their excess baggage or sleeve from the jaws of Italian-engineered door-closers on the Metro cars. You will then deserve to be insulted for your rank selfishness and laziness. This is slightly forgiveable in non-peak hours with lower traffic and wider headways but during rush hour with trains coming on a 5 minute stroke, often on a 1-2 minute stroke, this is unforgiveable. I have chewed out strangers for engaging in this sort of foolishness and felt entirely justified in doing so.

6) Escalators. All of continental North America and South America drives on the right. A corollary to this is that FAST traffic is on the left of a multi-lane boulevard. An escalator is a multilane boulevard which means that you should STAND TO THE RIGHT, WALK TO THE LEFT. If you are standing, you probably don't have somewhere to go which means if you are blocking the left side of the escalator, you are with depraved indifference blocking someone who has somewhere to go, some clock to punch. Get out of a working woman's way, Mac. (Exceptions obviously for disabled citizens, pregnant passengers and passengers handling small children - I am talking about young, healthy lone wolf idiots here.)

7) Seats on the Metro. It is actually a good deed to take an empty seat on a crowded train, because that actually clears your rear end out of the aisle. However, no gentleman sits while a woman, particularly a woman with children or expecting mother, stands. If you sit while a pregnant woman stands, you are not pregnant and you CAN stand, you are an asshole. Ditto for senior citizens and those disabled citizens who may be more vulnerable to falling down on a swerving train due to equipment impediments. When taking a seat, consider asking your seatmate whether she will be getting out close or far; if close, give her the aisle seat if she wishes. Keep your gear off the seats unless the car is mostly empty.

8) Fares. Buy your ticket with enough money left over to get you off the train. Your reckless bunking up the line because you need Addfare and don't know it is a disgrace and a waste. The charts may seem hard but they are not hard; anyone who can order a Super Size #7 at McDonalds can handle them. Please see prior comments about riding during rush hour. Don't worry about paying "too much"; your hosts or friends here will take near-dead Metro farecards gladly. If you will be here more than a week, consider getting a SmartCard; it's 5 extra bucks but worth it.

9) DO NOT SMOKE here on our trains. We don't care that you and your redneck sisters smoke when you want to where you want to back in Alabama. Some of us wish there were an international boundary between Washington and Alabama; some of us want it more than Robert E. Lee did. It is illegal and the people around you will cheer the aggressive Metro cops who will arrest a 12 year-old for eating a Twinkie out of her lunch bag from Mom. Arresting you will be a mitzvah, a career-booster and a crowd-pleaser.

10) If you ask a Washingtonian, "Hi, I am a tourist and I want to do things right ...." we will LOVE you and probably go further to help you than you would ever guess. Washington insiders are hated with good reason but most of us here are not Washington insiders. We are people trying to get paid and take care of our families, same as in Birmingham and Des Moines. We have very good public transit in this city but it's only excellent when the passengers cooperate successfully with the realities of the system's imperfections. This reality is in contrast with the John Wayne, one-man band mythology which may have informed the cultural development of your part of the country. This is not cowboy country; we try to help each other cope within the rules.

11) If you are visiting from New York City, welcome. You are not part of the problem at all. We are jealous of your cheap transit fares (just 2 bucks from Coney Island to the Bronx??), and yes, we do stand far apart from each other on the Metro trains. Then again, the standard "Metro cleanser" chemicals one almost always smells in the Metro stations don't smell like fermented urine. Ah-h-h, nostalgia for younger days.

Thank you for riding Metro.