I learned a lot today about my PTSD from being my past experiences. I revisited plenty of heart ache, re-victimization, isolation, depression, anxiety, pain, disassociation, distance, self abuse. I love the workshop for survivors today. I am exhausted because my body holds so much. I was nervous because at first I was the only brown face in the room. I sat on the opposite side. I convinced myself to stay. Then another brown face came in with long locs. My soul spoke and begged her to see me and sit RIGHT next to me. She did. Then shortly after her another brown face. Praise Mary and Jo-Jo. She was Japanese...and she sat next to me and Sistah Locs. We sat together. We all face the opposite beige faces. We also all sat with each other's stories, struggles, triumphs, and journey.
Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder is normally associated
with trauma such as violent
crimes, rape, and war experience.
I want to make a
list of the positive affects of PTSD in my life. Who would I be without
having been molested and raped? Who knows? That isn't my life.
Here is one step in the right direction towards thriving in my life. In celebration of my 30 years of womanhood...there are thirty positive aspects of me regardless of the horror that I have survived through....
Thirty Ways I am Thriving!
1. I have survived. I did
everything right. I lived. I am alive. I want to live.2. I have the courage to dissolve my shame by speaking my truth.
3. I selectively tell people that I was raped and molested.
4. I have learned to begin to set proper boundaries for continued growth.
Want some examples:
*After being injured, hurt, and dismissed I elected to invite trusted readers to my blog. *I have learned to ignore phone calls when I need ME time and not feel guilty. *I have demanded my lovers to wear condoms and or show me their negative papers. *I take my sexual health seriously. Buy condoms, use birth control, get tested regularly. *I block out time in my work day for me. *I take the authority to call off of work sick when I need a personal day. *I set in not knowing and being lonely. *I do not revert to drugs, compulsive obsessive behaviors, alcohol, or sex addiction. *I explore new ways of self improvement, regardless of society's rules. *I am a truth teller. *I tell my friends and family when I am too vulnerable for criticisim or feedback. *I ask for advice when I really need it. *I have embraced my nappy, natural hair. *I no longer wish to be light skin, skinny/thin, or taller.
5. I cry when I feel the tears that need to fall for a variety of reasons.
6. I walk and intentionally look at the trees that bloom and take a second to see the colors.
7. I don't take myself too
seriously.
8. I laugh at myself.
9. I am not afraid to NOT be perfect.
10. I love when I am human and make mistakes.
11. I reach out beyond the typical and embrace books, music, spiritual values, nutrition, and people that are assist me in my healing.
12. I realize that I have much healing to do.
13. I have released my friends, co-workers, partners, ex-partners, current partners, my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my staff, my therapist (if and when I have one), my grandparents, the government....I have released everyone from the responsibility of healing me. I take on that responsibility as my divine right and privilege to control my process.
14. I have/am/starting to demand that my friends, co-workers, partners, my parents, my extended family, my professional support to know how to appropriately assist me in my journey.
15. I have accept that many will not honor my demand and I have given myself permission to not allow them any space in my healing/growing/evolving life. I know there isn't space for voids.
16. I am firmly as bisexual.
17. I know my sexual desires. I have dug deep into some of those themes.
18. I love and light candles. I know the scent relaxes my scenes and float around my house.
19. I love and allow myself as many bubble baths and I want.
20. I am beginning the process of learning all of my triggers.
21. I can name a number of triggers that have revealed themselves to me; *A demanding and combative person, especially a black man *Being minimized, ignored, and discounted *Being silenced. *Being trapped in a room, by objects, a person, or the fear of whats on the other side *Fear of being violated in ANY way. *Determination to NEVER be raped again. *Someone limiting my choices and imposing their will upon me. *Judgment, being condemned, being a specimen of injury versus being treasured as IS *Being told in words and actions that my reality is INDEED not real! (I will slice a throat on that one!) *Being told I am "a crazy, black bitch" by a black man. It diggs really deep and hardly ever heals. Those type of words from my kindred men haunt me sadly, most of them don't care that they wound me much more deeply than any white man or woman that says that to me. But from my beloved brothas? That goes against the grain of my heart and soul.
22. I know more times than not, that my love is out there healing himself or herself for our meeting.
23. I demand that I learn how to be an advocate to all my sistahs on this experience of moving from surviving to thriving. All of my sistahs (white, brown, straight, confused, questioning, rich, poor, educated, etc, etc)
24. I love that art helps me experience and inspires me to becoming more artist.
25. I love the sun rays on my face.
26. I don't mind that my thighs rub together and released the shame of not having the "gap" that men love.
27. I love that I have learned to pleasure my body in ways a man hasn't mastered. I love that ladies.
28. I love that I stand up for myself and in that give "permission" for others to do the same.
29. I realize that I am not alone.
30. I KNOW this list will grow and isn't all inclusive or exclusive. Through it all, I am not going to kill myself, not going to not love again, gonna get me some Magnum dick, some wet pussy, eat more fruit, drink more water, enjoy my blog, take bubble baths, watch my favorite movies, and feed my soul however I see fit. Afterall, its my soul!
Dailymotion blogged
video
Jill Scott : Golden
Video sent by BLACKMUSICS
Until Next Time, Me